Only Villains Do That

1.20 In Which the Dark Lord Brings Refreshments

Our shopping trip occupied the rest of the morning because I insisted on acquiring each of the several items we needed from a different shop. I was aware that this was probably overcompensating, but after my first visit to Gwyllthean I was making a deliberate effort to think ahead and act with care, and by doing it this way I avoided leaving behind a single shopkeeper who remembered selling the islands only Asian-looking lord and his female bodyguard the complete disguises I planned on us using from now on. Aster didnt complain, not even by making those sly ironic remarks with a deadpan expression she enjoyed so much, which I took to mean my precautions werent excessive.

By the time that was done it was getting later in the morningnot quite time for lunch, but we made our last stop one of the food stalls lining the main thoroughfare outside the walls on our way to the outskirts. The skewers of meat and vegetables thus acquired would stay hot for a while, and more importantly were part of the payment I planned to give my spy, since it was too risky to just hand him money. Besides, dawdling at the stalls prolonged our presence in the Gutters, which I figured would increase the odds of our being spotted. Gilder had claimed he would find us next time we appeared in town; now we put that claim to the test.

We arrived at the same secluded spot around the corner of a warehouse slightly distant from the main road at which wed spoken to him previously, and I took the time to look around with more care. I could tell why hed picked this one; to judge by the weeds choking the path and the dilapidated state of the building in question, it hadnt seen much use in a while.

Hey, Biribo, I said aloud, are we alone?

He practically exploded out of Asters coat pocket in a furious buzz of wings. Fuckin finally! Yeah, we got privacy, theres no one within human earshot. And I got a bone to pick with you, boss man!

Oh, Im sure thisll be just precious. I took a seat on the edge of the low akorthist retaining wall separating the path from the agricultural field beyond.

I heard that comment back there about the Heros familiar. Some offense taken, pal!

Cry me a river. I took a nibble of skewered meat. Not bad. Too spicy, but that was everything in this damn country so I just needed to get used to it. Did you see her? He gets an adorable little pixie and Im stuck with flying vermin? Look at yourself, you little monster. I stand by what I said: unfair.

What kind of Dark Lord has a pixie familiar? Biribo demanded. How would that look? Youd be a laughingstock!

Oh, like youre any more respectable.

You know what Im concerned about, Aster commented, is a tiny woman in the custody of a teenage boy. That poor, poor pixie.

What is with this outpouring of sympathy for the Heros minions? Biribo exclaimed. You guys have got to be the worst conquerors ever to serve the name of Evil!

Theres a badge I can wear with pride, I said. More importantly, its time to work. Keep an eye out and let me know if anyone approaches, especially the kid were looking for.

Yeah, yeah, my familiar said impatiently, will do, but now that Im finally out of the bag, theres something you need to know, boss. I do keep an eye out even when were in stealth mode, and a little peek now and then was enough to show me the Hero was dressed in wall-to-wall artifacts.

Hewait, what? I narrowed my eyes, lowering my meat skewer. Yoshi? Two of his little harem were carrying artifacts, but just one each. I didnt see any on him.

Yeah, you probably wouldnt have. I doubt any Blessed would notice, unless they were Blessed with Wisdom and had a familiars eyes to fall back on. Thats whats weird about it, boss, they were every one of em the weakest artifacts I have ever seen. Tiny little improvements to his stamina, or luck, or agility, stuff like thatthe whole lot wouldntve amounted to any measurable advantage for him. Even though it was a lot, because I wasnt kidding: everything he was wearing was an artifact.

Okay, I said slowly, keeping in mind that I am still new to Ephemera, put into context for me exactly how weird that is.

Fuckin very, he replied, starting to zip back and forth in the air as if this subject excited him for some reason. Artifacts are rare, even the weaker ones. And yeah, they aint all Greatswords of Mastery or Impregnable Chainmail, but even the basic-ass beginner onesll give their wielder something of clear value. Also, its extremely uncommon for an artifact to have an even slightly plain design. The aesthetic of magic stuff is universally pretty extra, boss. That dude was wearing a bunch of cobbled-together rubbish that looked like he picked it up from low-rent adventurer supply stalls in the Gutters, except it was all artifacts, except it was without exception artifacts with the weakest, most useless powers imaginable. You seein where this trail leads, boss?nove(l)bi(n.)com

I exhaled sharply, having indeed realized it. Son of a bitch. He can make artifacts. Thats his isekai cheat power!

His, uh, what? Aster asked, her eyebrows shooting up. I waved her off impatiently.

And thats why he cant produce anything of real value yetits just a week in. If its anything like my spell combination, he cant just pull whatever he imagines out of his butt. Therell be some limitation to do with the materials hes working with, and a massive learning curve when it comes to figuring out how to make the magic work. Since apparently the Blessing of Wisdom doesnt extend to magic sigils, I added pointedly.

Hey, dont give me that look, Biribo protested. Do I look like somebody who makes the rules? Not my fault the goddesses have the basic sense to keep Heroes and Dark Lords from screwing around with the source code of reality.

Source code, I repeated. Thats an interesting way to phrase that, Biribo.

He flicked his little forked tongue out at me. It was really hard to tell, what with his triangular lizard face, but I had the strong feeling he was smirking.

So, Aster prompted, spell combination?

I gave her a considering look, but really, I only had to consider for a second. I had already entrusted Aster with enough to destroy me if she decided to turn traitor; at this point, being cagey with her would only discourage that trust from running both ways. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Myunique gift from Virya, I explained. I can take the basic spells I learn and combine them into new forms, within certain limits.

Certain limits?

Mostly having to do with the fact that nobody bothered to explain how it works so Im fumbling around blind.

Point of order, boss: the goddess did try to explain

Shut up, Biribo.

Ah. Aster nodded in comprehension. I thought those fire slimes were pretty exotic.

Thats one word for it. Far as I know, Im the only person who can make em. Spell combination is also how I made Enjoin, which is the spell that lets you benefit from my Blessings.

Heads up, Biribo interjected before she could render an opinion about that. We got company heading this way. Looks like its your boy, boss.

Well, well, I guess the little squirt turned out to be worth the investment after all. Is he alone?

Come on, what kinda amateur do you think I am? If he was bringing an ambush Ida said that in the first place.

All right, no need to pitch a snit over it. You know the drill, Biribo, back in the pocket. Im not ready to trust the kid with too many details just yet.

Yeah, yeah, Im goin, he grumbled, buzzing back down to Asters side and clambering into his pocket. I knew for a fact that shed made him a comfy nest of cloth scraps and kept feeding him snacks, which was pure luxury since familiars were magical beings and didnt need to eat. I had made him reveal that tidbit early on.

It was only five minutes or so before Gilder himself suddenly burst out of a large stand of weeds sprouting alongside the building, crowing AHA! at the top of his lungs.

Neither of us reacted; I finished chewing my bite of meat and some kind of tart root vegetable before bothering to answer him. Took you longer than I hoped. Future reference, kiddo, Id rather you show up punctually than waste my time setting up an ineffective jump scare.

Aw, cmon, the boy whined, theres no way you saw me coming! Im damn good at sneakingI even ditched Rassin an Kess. They been followin me all day, but nobody out-sneaks Gilder!

And yet

You got some kinda magic trick for it, right? He shuffled forward, gazing up at me with bright, eager eyes. Come on, spill! Howd you do it?

More importantly, what if it had worked? Do you think its really smart to startle a man who can cast spells and is in town explicitly to kill people and cause chaos?

His face fell slightly, but he rallied. Aw, I knew you wouldnt slip up, Lord Seiji. Youre the most powerful and in-control Blessed in all of Dount!

Weve gotta work on your flattery, son. Points for effort, but that was way too ham-fisted. Youll just turn off anybody smart enough to see it coming. Here.

I proffered the remaining skewer; he darted forward with the speed of a striking cobra to snatch it and retreated just as quickly, stuffing an over-large bite in his mouth before answering.

You sure? I ain tolya anyfin yef.

Fucks sake, boy, dont talk with your mouth full. Anyway, no; well discuss payment when you actually bring me something useful. Feeding yous just a perk of the job. I look after my people, thats baseline.

He gave me a look that seemed unsure whether it wanted to be skeptical or hopeful, but it didnt stop him from from cramming the rest of the meat and vegetables into his mouth at a truly alarming speed. Nor did Asters exhortations not to choke himself. Truth be told, I was only partly motivated by the modern Japanese observation that bringing snacks for the staff was sound management practice. Id been worried about the kid, a sensation exacerbated by guilt that Id made the choice to leave him at large in his impoverished situation. There was no way he was eating enough, to judge by the size of him. Even if the harsh tactical realities prevented me from taking him in, I could at least see to it he got fed when we met up.

Asters advice still lingered in my consciousness. I was going to have to take every opportunity to dispense a little kindness in order to stay sane, given the other kinds of things my role as the Dark Lord would demand of me.

You about ready to slow down? I inquired once Gilder was licking the stick. His eyes zeroed in on the other package I picked up, a still-warm pastry folded up inside a broad leaf with ruffled edges. Id bought two of them from a stand near the meat vendor: sour strawberry tarts, Asters favorite, just because shed dropped the last half of hers in the street when she had to defend me from that trigger-happy elf. She had demolished hers already and I wasnt in the mood for more sour junk, so this was the last one. I held it out toward the boy.

Ah, ah! Then immediately jerked it up out of his reach when he lunged for it, wagging a severe finger in his face. Slowly. Never mind choking, you have to take time to appreciate the good things in life. If you get a treat, make sure you can taste it. Okay?

He nodded, eyes practically bulging with avarice, and I finally handed him the tart. He did snatch it like a starving squirrel, but at least he chewed more carefully this time.

I couldnt help feeling a pang in my chest, watching the street kid enjoying the pastry. His face scrunched up like he almost couldnt bear the sheer pleasurewhen he wasnt checking over his shoulder every few seconds, at least.

Let me guess, Aster said quietly. Usually if you get a treat, someone takes it from you.

Gilder emitted a crumb-spraying little huff, a fragment of bitter laugh only partly muffled by a mouthful of strawberry tart. You know it, lady. Not point complaining, thats just life. I never got a chance to just

He paused, and to my horror I saw tears in the corners of his eyes. Fortunately for us both, Gilder cleared his throat and half-turned away, getting himself back under control while continuing to scarf down the rest of the pastry.

Fuck. I had to think of some better way to take care of this kid. But what? Anything I gave him would just make him a target, unless it was something he could eat right in front of me while my bodyguard and I stood watch. This fucking country I was starting to see the method in Viryas madness: Fflyr Dlemathlys was such an utter, appalling mess it was not only vulnerable to even an inexperienced Dark Lord, but urgently needed to be razed to the ground and rebuilt from scratch.

Note to self: recruit somebody who knew the slightest thing about nation-building. I sure as hell didnt.

Better? I asked once Gilder was licking his fingers.

Thanks, Lord Seiji, he nodded, beaming up at me. Best boss ever. Right, Aster?

He has his points, she drawled.

Stop, Im gonna blush. All right, now that youre slightly less starving, what have you got for me?

Right! I been feeling out the other kids, careful-like, just like you said. I got one name who I think you should meet, Lord Seiji: my friend Benit. Shes a year youngern me, so I look out for her. A real quiet one, but she knows how to watch and listen and think. People dont take her serious enough cos she keeps her mouth shut, but Benits sharp. Ive talked with heryknow, indirectly, like you said. Not naming names or saying I got an opportunity exactly, but seeing what she might think. I bet shed be interested. Benits clever enough to take a chance and not fuck it up.

Good! If you think shes ready, well set up a meeting. Any others?

He winced and actually took a step back, causing me another pang at the realization that he automatically associated the delivery of bad news with punishment.

Itsits tricky, Lord Seiji. Im sorry, but its gonna take me longer to get more faces I can be sure of, yknow?

Thats fine, I assured him, nodding. Thats good. I did tell you to move with care, remember? Were building a base, here, not rushing to results. At this stage its more important to protect yourself and not take risks.

Okay, he said, so visibly relieved I felt my throat tighten. Just for a second. Problem is, most of what I got to work with is the younger kids. And you know how it is, little kids are stupid.

They are indeed, I said solemnly.

I gotta be real selective to pick out the trustworthy ones, Gilder explained. Most of the ones oldern me are bigger, and that means they aint gonna take me seriously. Which, yknow, I can use that to get away with shit, but its a drawback when I want em to do something for me. Plus, once they get, like, moren a couple years older, most of the Rats start getting groomed by Lady Grays people to join her crews, or are looking to get groomed, which means theres no way in hell they can be trusted. Theyll sell you out to get any scrap of favor from her.

Okay. Then keep going, and be as slow as you must to be careful. Results matter, but your survival is more important.

He grinned hugely, showing crumbs in his teeth. You got it, Lord Seiji!

And what about the rest? Developments in the turf war between Lady Gray and Clan Olumnach?

Oh, that shits on hard, he said with all the gleeful relish of a young boy describing violence and bloodshed. Ah, the innocence of youth. It started pretty slow and its still building up, but its already at the point Olumnach and Grays people dont meet and both of em walk away.

How are the Rats faring in the middle of this?

Uncle Gentlys playing it safe for now. He pays his protection to Lady Gray and has us do free jobs for her sometimes, but he doesnt wanna put the Rats in the middle of this. Hes got us all watching everything both sides does, under strict orders not to sell either out to the other just yet.

Mmthat doesnt sound like itll hold for long.

Well, not forever, but longern you might think, Lord Seiji. Uncle Gentlys no fool and hes been playing this game a long time. The fact hes got us hands-off says he doesnt know how to call it just yet, and thats bad news for Lady Gray. Hed stick with the established name if he was sure she could guarantee safety for the Rats. Shes too busy keeping her own peoples heads chained to their butts right now, and that right there is a shift in the whole situation.

Heads chained to their butts? That was a hell of a euphemism for the spinal column. Dear god, the level of violence this kid took for granted

In broad terms, I said, affecting a casual tone, I understand the main difference between Lady Grays people and Clan Olumnach is that she has control over crime in the city, while the Clan basically owns most of the bandit gangs operating in the countryside. That was the extent of Auldmaers knowledge on the subject, which he insisted was just the basics anyone in Dount might have heard from rumor alone. Any nuance you can add to that?

Well, thats the shape of it, Lord Seiji. Way I hear it, there are some few gangs way out in the khora that dont answer to Olumnach, but theyre graydisc time wasters, mostly. Apart from that, I hear it gets murky where bandit crews end and the Olumnach Clansguard begins. Sorry, but the fact they are out of town means I dont get to overhear much about em. Thats probably gonna change, though, with them pressing into the Gutters.

Okay. Listen closely when you get the chance, but remember to be safe.

You know it! he grinned. Anything solid you wanna know?

I realize youre not well-positioned for this, but Im more interested in the outer gangs than Grays people right now. Anything you can learn about the location or composition of other crews around Dount, I want to hear. As for Lady Grays crews By all means, pass along anything that seems particularly interesting. Shes lower on my priority list but I want to have the lay of the land before I move on her in earnest.

Got it! Listen, if its info on the gangs you want, I do know of a guy. Hes a gobbo, though, and aint based in town, so it might be hard to get an in, but I can sniff it out for you.

I already know him, I said with a faint smile. And believe me, Ill be following up on that. The issue is, the gangs pay him well to keep their business private.

Oh. Damn. Gilder looked crestfallen, but his good humor reasserted itself quickly. But you should know, this city-country divides the main reason this fight is only gonna get worse before it stops. Like, they got legit cause thanks to you: Lady Gray wants her damn money and Highlord Caldimers pissed as hell his kid got knifed, but they both been eyeballing each others grift for years now. Now that its finally on for real, neither ones gonna stop till the others corebait. Whoever wins controls all crime on Dount. They might even be powerful enough to start making moves on Clan Aelthwyn, then, and everybody knows thats what both dream about more than anything.

Is that a fact, I murmured. Well, good. I need time and room to maneuver before Im ready to move in earnest. It sounds like I dont want to take too long, though.

Longer this goes on, uglier it gets, he agreed, amazingly cheerful about it. Course, the uglier it gets, the weaker both sides become.

Exactly. Obviously both were still able to crush the likes of me almost without effort. I just had to build my strength without them noticing my presence while they whittled each other down. Which led me to my next order of business. All right, Gilder, youve got your general marching orders: I want to know anything Uncle Gently knows, and ideally things he doesnt. Especially pertaining to the outlying gangs and the Olumnachs, but anything of value. More immediately, Im going to call on your services as a guide to business in the Gutters.

Gilders your man, Lord Seiji! he crowed. Whats it gonna be?

I gave him my best, most mysterious smile. Tonight, I want you to show me around the local brothels.

The boys face lit up like I had just invented Christmas.

Aster, by contrast, very slowly turned her head to fix me with one of those oh-so-expressive looks she was so good at.

Theres no need to make that face at me, Aster, I said in a tone of indulgent geniality. Dont worry, you get to come, too.

The Aster Look intensified.